That Dreaded 'Potty'

Yes, I have not been blogging. I am recovering from a very severe case of blogger laziness.

Disclaimer:
Parents of children over the age of two, you might find this quite entertaining.
Parents of children under the age of two, you might find this quite disturbing and scary.
Non-Parents, you might find this quite effective to use as birth control.

Don't say I didn't warn you....

So begins a new phase in my niece's life... Potty Training. Oh yeah. She's really that old. Crazy, huh? Yes, it was arranged on purpose for us to start the day after I got home for Christmas.

We are using a guide given to us by one of my friend's mom. Supposedly, it has worked for all of her kids except her oldest, who was particularly stubborn and difficult to potty train, and really do just about everything. We have tried our best to do everything right. But we are not working with just any two-year-old, unfortunately. It has become a hobby of Lilli's to make the most simple things much more difficult.
 
The first thing we started was explain to her a few times a day, every day, for a week: "In __ days, no more pull-ups! You will have panties!" At first, she would get very excited, telling anyone who would listen that she was getting panties in __ days. Then those wheels in her head starting twisting. And on day three, it dawned on her: Her pull-ups serve a purpose to her. What in the world were these people thinking, taking them away from me? So that morning when I told her "In four days, no more pull-ups", she promply replied, short and sweet, "I need my pull-up" and grabbed her chest, trying to protect the mean old aunt from taking her precious pull-up. I explained how she wouldn't need her pull-up because her pee pee and poo poo is going to go into the potty now, and how if she went potty, she would get a sticker and a piece of candy, mommy and daddy and all her family would be proud, and the angels in heaven would sing the hallelujah chorus as God himself looks down on us and chuckles a little at how easy it is to please us sometime, the classic explaination. No lie. This kid looked a me like I was the dumbest creature on the planet for even suggesing such a horrible thing. She spoke very soft, but firm, a tone that would turn blood into ice if I hadn't already built an immunity from living with her mother for 20+ years, and repeated, "I need my pull-up". And ever since that day, when we tell her what's going to happen in __ days, her only reply is "I have a pull-up", and a small shiver runs down my spine.
 
Phase Two began last night. We got the canister to put her reward candy in. My sister and I both are big on bribing. We know it's wrong, but we believe in cling to for dear life the "OMG Whatever Freakin Works!!" Philosophy. This week's bribe is named Hersheys Kisses. I poured them into a container and decorated it with jungle animal foam stickes. We also have two sheets of Spongebob Squarepants stickers for good measure. Well, the candy and sticker radar must have been going off like crazy because the next thing I know, I hear two-year-old footsteps coming up the stairs, and as soon as she gets in my room she exclaimed, "WOW! Chocolate! I want chocolate!!" I calmly explained to her that this was special chocolate and you could only get it when you go potty. So she informed me she had to go potty and ran downstairs. However, after only sitting there for 1.4  seconds, in her mind, she deserved chocolate and a sticker, so she ran back upstairs and told me "I went potty!!" I looked at Kelli and she just shook her head no and told me what happened. So it was time to re-explain to her the concept of bribery. You have to SUCCESSFULLY go potty. We aren't going to punish her for accidents or anything, but if we reward her for just trying, where's the incintive to actually really try to make it to the bathroom in time? So I gave her the speech I have practiced in the mirror for a week now, "You can try again next time, but for now, no chocolate or sticker." I looked away as I saw her eyes swell with bitter tears, a window into her broken little spoiled heart.
 
We have done everything we could to prepare her. Yet somehow, I feel like we forgot some important step. I'm not ready for her to wake up. Let her sleep just a little longer, prolong the transformation to 'big girl' for just a few more hours.